Pulling it back together

I have all these little post-it notes with critter sightings scribbled on them and as I find them I will post them and then throw them out finally. First up is from last year about this time:

January 7, 2007. Mile Marker 124 Heading South on the South Bound side of the stretch. Critter on a bike wearing a helmet, muscle shirt, dolphn shorts. Mid 30's. I guess it was warm out that day but most likely he was a lunatic snow bird who thinks 60 degrees is a warm summer day.

And speaking of snow birds, it is time to welcome them back for another season of crappy driving in the beautiful Florida Keys.

Welcome Winter Visitors! I feel I should remind you of a few things.

Thing One: If your vehicle is not capable of exceeding 45 mph either by it's mechanical foot in the grave or by your own, you are not allowed to take Card Sound. I'm not kidding. The stretch, because of construction, is 45 mph for most of the miles and 35 mph for the rest. That's perfect for you. Card Sound is for people who want to get home. We are not on vacation or a winter sabatical. We are not on the road to enjoy the view -- such as it is. If you can't throw enough hamsters on that wheel to get up to at least 65 mph stay the hell off of Card Sound.

Thing two: If you are handicapped, use the parking spots set aside for you at the bank. Do not sprawl your SUV across two normal parking spots. There are only two in front of the ATM and you can't have them. It's rude. I realize "rude" is a relative term and where you live the rest of the year, that kind of parking is just "situation normal", but in the Keys that is rude parking.

Thing Three: If I see you throwing trash out of your car window I am going to chase your ass down and make you eat it. In past confrontations I have settled for merely tossing it into your open window (or convertible with the top down) and hauling ass away from the scene, but this year ... prepare yourself. You will be eating that tossed trash.

Thing Four: From Mile Marker 108 to Mile Marker 90 US1 is divided with two lanes in each direction. Chances are, you are going to exit the parking lot of the Key Largo Grande or Sun Downers going in the wrong direction, against traffic, and come nose to nose with my little green Miata. I am going to stop, get out and call you a "Fucking moron" and tell you to get off the road until you can drive like a normal person. Take this treatment like a man and don't be a baby about it. You fucked up. Accept it. Be glad you didn't kill someone. Stop driving in the Keys and take cabs from that moment on.

Thing Five: If you plan to operate any kind of water craft, get a boaters license or hire a captain. You can take the test online. Also, If you haven't been diving in a year, get a refresher. The local shops could use the business and it will absolutely save your life. Every person who dies diving because they are out of shape and out of practice makes the Keys look bad. The Keynoter is supposedly adding the ability to comment on articles online soon. You don't need to die and then deal with the humiliation of people calling you an idiot for acting like the Keys are fucking Disney World where everything is safe and sanitized for your protection. Be a responsible adult and get a refesher. Watch the movie Open Water, too. If you are just fine and dandy with the very real possibility of being left for the sharks out in open ocean then by all means get out there and die dive. And, no, I am not going to tell you which dive shops are notorious for abandoning divers in open water. If you don't have the $$ to dive with Quiescence then you take your chances just like everyone else.

Thing Six: There's nothing to do here. Seriously. We are not Miami. We have a couple of entertainments going on over the weekend, I think "Art Under the Oaks" is happening at the church at mm 89.3 bayside January 17th-ish which is where I get all my Brass, Nickle and copper hairbows (Brass Jewelry Maker of Key West usually shows up every year. Biker guy with long hair. Very nice stuff.) Other than that ... if you don't drink, fish or dive there is very little else here for you. The next one of you idiots coming up to me as I am getting gas to ask where the nearest beach is, is going to get maced. You want beaches? Go North.

Thing Seven: If you want to get robbed, buy drugs or just generally put your life in grave danger, stop anywhere in and around mile marker 103 and 104. If you don't? Keep driving. My apologies to anyone who lives up there, but you know it's true.

Thing Eight: Weather? Is an act of god. The locals are not beating the hell out of drums trying to fuck with your stay here. OK. They might be. But you and I know that's BS and doesn't work because I've tried it myself. If you are pissed about the weather being windy, eat it until you perforate an ulcer and die. We don't care if you are pissed about the weather. It's windy in the winter time here. It could be worse. It could be windy and cold.

Thing Nine: What has happened to Key West is not our fault. Don't go there if it makes you sad to see what has happened. You probably can't aford it anyway. Marathon is still pretty cool. Go there.

Thing Ten: This is 100% true. I saw it happen with my own eyes. A woman was ... what is the word when someone keeps asking the same question like they are talking to a two year old over and over again while that person tries to be polite and ignore the questioner at the same time? It escapes me, but ... a lot of the lower paid jobs are worked by immigrants (mostly legal) who DO speak English but sometimes prefer not to because they are calling women like the one I am talking about now a moron and they don't want her to know. They make more money, even after bus fare, by working in the Keys. They work their asses off. We need them. Do not ask them stupid questions like: "Aren't you uncomfortable working here serving mostly white rich people? Don't you wish you could get a job up in Florida City with your own people closer to your family? I think it's shameful that you have to take a dirty bus all those miles South every day just to make a living. Our economy is just awful. What are we coming too? Aren't you uncomfortable working here serving mostly white rich people? You'd probably rather work up in Homestead closer to your people. ...". First of all, rich white people shop at Publix, not Winn Dixie. Second? If you feel the urge to do that to the grocery cart guy at Winn Dixie? Don't. Get your groceries and go back to your rental house or hotel room and enjoy the rest of your stay.

As ya'll do stupid shit that pisses me off, I shall add to this list. In the mean time, have a great time here and try not to get arrested.

More critter reports from the eighteen mile stretch coming.